This is something that is very important to me that i write, so if your readin it, i'm sorry that it' so long, but i need help, someone who will listen to me.
Today, the last first day of high school and then i'm free. Those of you who know me, probably know that i'm a shy person, nervous person at times, and that i have the ability to turn into a human tamato when the attention is turned into my direction. Those of you who know me, also probably know how much i don't like school and really hate having to get up infront of the class to give a presentation. Well, at the begining of every semester when we go to our classes and are handed out course outlines, do you know what the first thing is that i look for on that sheet of paper? I look to see if there will be any presentations ... i do this because maybe if i know ahead of time i wont be so nervous, almost as if i'm giving myself time to relax and think about the presentation. This semester my classes are: Hollywood and History, Drawing, and Drama. Drawing i'm not worried about in the least, but with hollywood and history and drama, insted of thinking about all the cool things that i could learn about, the only thing that i'm able to think about is, "how in the world i'm i going to be able to live through these presentations?" Now, i'v been thinking all day, why is it so hard for me? why can't i just get up there, infront of the class and just do it? what is it about getting up there, that worries me so much?, and i'v got to tel you, i'v come up with no actual answers, only theories, and thats not making me feel better AT ALL. When i get up infront of the class, i turn into a tamato. My face goes beat red in a matter of seconds, and i'm not talking about only cheeks, i'm talking about my whole face, and you know mabe if my face didn't get so red that i wouldn't be so nervous, but it's realli when i feel my face start to burn up that i think "oh shit i'm blushing really bad now" and there is nothing i can do to make it go away, nothing until the presentation is over. so i'v come to the conclusion that, it's maybe not realli school and learning that i hate so much, but it's the presentations that i know that i'm going to have to do, that make me hate going to school. I'M SCARED!!! i'm really very srry if this is a lot to read, but i'v never actually wrote any of this down before, and even worse, never said it outloud. I'v been looking foward to hollywood and history all summer and when i find out that i'm going to have to do presentations, i'm completly willing to drop the course, which i would really hate doing, because i love movies so much, in movies there is everything the i dream of, if i could i would be a ballet dancer, a violinist, a guitarest, a jockey, a painter, a writer, an actor, a drumer, a football player, a soccor player. And with movies i'm able to watch my dreams played by actors and realli wont to be an actor because i'd be able to do all those things, but i would be lying to myself if i said that acting was something that i CAN do, even though i know that i wont it so bad, and thats basically the reason that i'm droping drama. and i'v always had this argument with my brother about why he doesn't like more the half of the movies that i do because he thinks that they suck, and why there is no movie in the world that i don't like, and i think that i'v jus figured it out... i don't dislike any movies because in every movie, no matter what genre or if it's animation, there are characters that aren't afriad to do what they think is right, or what they believe in, they are not afriad to just go out and do what they need to do, and i am. that's my probablem, i'm scared. i'm scared/nervous out about letting people know what i love, believe in, who i am, and theres no way of me over coming it. I am scared/nervous of doing presentations, letting people know who i am, standing up for what i believe in, i'm scared of pushing myself to where I KNOW i can be when it comes to riding, and allof these things are just slowing me down and i'm letting them, because i am not a confident person. i'm thinking about talking to me hollywood and history teacher and telling her how i feel about the presentation, not to try to get out of it, but so that maybe i'll become more comfortable, i'm even thinking about going to guidence and talking to someone there, because i think more then anything i need to hear myself say these things outloud, and not to someone who is my friend, but to someone who is my elder, someone who has gone though their life at my age, and maybe can help me though it......................
But.... i'm scared that when i look back at the moment i took to talk to someone, i will find myself sounding pathetic.